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Paybacks. Fun. I just got a call from your literacy teacher saying you forged my signature for the reading log you didn’t complete last night because you mis-placed your backpack. I started cracking up, not because I wasn’t upset… but because the teacher told me you signed it “Dez”. Looks like I need to have another talk with you about lying.

((((Pray for him that he’s able to live another day.))))

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So, here I am!

Man, doing without internet is like losing an eye.  Or, something like that.  It really sucks, though, so I’m glad I have access during the week.

I’ve been super-busy lately…

I took care of D.P. after he had hernia surgery on Tuesday, August 19.  I stayed with him Wednesday-Saturday that week.  It was a terrible time for him, as he ended up getting an infection, but it cleared up quickly with antibiotics.  [I can’t say I didn’t enjoy playing ‘house’ with him, because I did.]  He’s feeling much better but becomes tired very easily still… he’s supposed to go to work this week…

E started 2nd grade on Monday, August 18, and both the kids went camping with my parents Thurs-Sat that week.  My parents were in town for a class reunion, and the Monday E started school, we went to dinner at The Old Spaghetti Factory.  Our family that night consisted of: my parents, 3 of my 4 brothers, my sister and her boyfriend, and me, D.P. and my kids.

M is with a new babysitter now, and she’s having a blast while E is at school.

As far as my new job goes, I’m in love with it.  There are still some kinks to be worked out, but I can see myself staying here for a long time.  FINALLY!  It ends up… all the hard work and interviews paid off.  It is challenging at times, but completely what I was looking for.  I was able to secure a pay increase of almost $2/hr from what I was making at my last job.  Plus, there is plenty of opportunity for overtime and bonuses.  Sweet!

I’ll write more tomorrow or so.

I can’t believe I’ve neglected to mention M’s third (and final) follow up appointment with the surgeon’s PA on July 11.  After two long months, the bone has finally healed, and she’s back to normal.  She still limps a little when her leg becomes tired, but she’s been running, jumping, and using her leg fabulously!  I’ll call the doctor’s office sometime in April to get M on the books for her next surgery, to remove the plate in her thigh.

We never did get the walker.  Instead, M ended up using the handles on the back of her wheelchair to steady herself.  I can’t say I’m surprised we didn’t receive the equipment that was prescribed by the PA – but I will say I’m disappointed.  I received a call from my insurance company, saying the company that provided the wheelchair hadn’t completed some of the necessary paperwork… and when I spoke with the wheelchair company, they said they didn’t have the paperwork, even though my insurance faxed it over.  Completely frustrating and ridiculous! I’ll just be glad when it’s all over.

Poor M, she’s going to have a bum leg the rest of her life… but she’ll have a SUPER COOL story to tell her grandkids.

I tried to make it work, I really did. At least, I had hoped it would work. Unfortunately, this, my friends, is how we roll.

On our way to D.P.’s house last night, I reminded E and M that D.P. was really tired, and wouldn’t be playing ball or anything for quite awhile. [He’s due to see a surgeon next week for a consult on a hernia injury he ‘picked up’ at work.] They could play in the backyard, or we would watch a movie… but D.P. and I just wanted to veg. They agreed that if they didn’t behave, we’d leave immediately, and there would be no going out to eat on payday (a special treat that I’ve tried to keep up on). I trusted them, I really did. Little did I know that my kids had some really unruly behavior in store for me. I don’t know why I’m still so surprised.

It started out like any other visit to D.P.’s house… a warm welcoming with a joke, a hug and a kiss on the cheek for each of us. Okay, no kisses for E, but for the girls there were kisses. Anyway, as we walked into the house, E went straight to the back door and played outside. VICTORY! M soon followed.

Over the course of about an hour, D.P. busted E after he climbed on a tree that he’s been told every single time NOT to climb – this time, he broke some branches – and I busted both of them ripping up about 25-30 leaves on the irises (they have been cut back, so no flowers).

Obviously, we ended up leaving the house. I was so pissed, all I could see was red. This happens every single time (save, once or twice) we go over there, and I’m tired of it. 😦

In better news, I had an interview yesterday, and now I just wait to get an offer on Monday. After that, I’ll take my drug screen while ‘they’ run a background check… if all goes well, I’ll be leaving Hell very, very soon!

I’m not quite sure where to begin with this entry, and I’m not quite sure where I’ll end up. I suppose I should just start writing.

The past few years that I’ve been separated from Rob, I’ve tried my very best to concentrate on doing what I needed to do as a mother: to make sure my kids were taken care of. From my point of view, life sucks as a single parent. There is no silver lining in sight for me, being alone with two small children! I’ve tried my best to be a good example – like any other parent, I’ve fallen down and flat-out failed and, other times, I’ve overwhelmingly succeeded. I’ve tried not to depend on Rob for anything, and it makes me angry at times to think that he is not willing to ‘step up to the plate’ and be the father he should be. After all these years, he still views his time with the kids as ‘babysitting’, and threatens me on a regular basis that he’s going to stop ‘watching the kids’ if I don’t stop being a pain in his ass. I’m not sure why I expect anything different from someone who never stepped up to the plate to be the husband he should have been. Harsh? Maybe. True? Absolutely. But, anyone who knows me knows what I have been putting up with for years.

I’ve spoken before regarding how I felt growing up – that no one would ever want me – and now that I am in a serious relationship with D.P., it baffles me how easy it was to (mostly) let go of those feelings once I found the right person. I still struggle with a couple of minor things but, for the most part, I feel good about who I am.

I don’t recall ever feeling this way when I was with Rob – in fact, my self-esteem became progressively worse the longer he and I remained living in the same house. On several occasions, I felt completely helpless and hopeless – I began thinking I would never thrive as a mother and wife. I remember being so depressed I would lie in my bed all day and would barely get up to do anything… I’d feed and water the kids, and essentially let them play by themselves all day while I watched TV. I never cleaned the house. I let my kids do pretty much whatever it is they wanted to, and very rarely disciplined them. Instead, I’d let Rob be the bad guy – he was so very good at it! I was so damn bitter and hateful towards Rob, it carried over into family relationships, too – man, I was such a bitch! I was mean to my kids, and mean to my family. No one wanted to be around me, and I was so lonely for their love!

Even still, it was a very hard decision for me to make in September of 2005, when I told Rob I didn’t want to be married anymore; I’d have to go back to work full time and I wouldn’t be able to stay at home with my two children, plus I’d have to admit that I was delusional regarding my thoughts of what my marriage was. While it was completely liberating at first, to be alone in that apartment with the kids and doing my own thing [not answering to anyone], I remember becoming increasingly lonely and afraid that I had made the wrong decision. After all, taking care of two children (they were 4 and nearly 2 at that point) was no small feat. Even though it was scary during Rob’s violent outbursts, he was still a second body to help with the kids and, because I had been depressed for so long, I didn’t have the energy or wearwithall to deal. I quickly realized how much I had underestimated the result of a decision I had originally deemed to be worthwhile.

Fast forward to Christmas 2007.

I asked Rob if he can use his own plethora of cash to buy gifts and write both of our names (and some Santa, too) since I was still struggling and wasn’t able to afford anything. He agreed to my request. I was also contacted by M’s daycare director, who said she offered our name to a friend of hers who was looking for a family to ‘adopt’. While I was shocked and felt a little guilty at first, I graciously accepted the gifts and the kids loved it! While my life finally seemed to be working out for the most part during that time, there was a dark side that was about to come through.

While my parents were in town, they made up an excuse as to why they couldn’t stay at my house like they had done several times since they moved to New Jersey. They ended up staying for a few days, but it was really awkward, and they eventually went to my brother’s house for the rest of their visit. I was pissed off beyond belief, especially after getting into a heated argument with my mom (someday I’ll share what we discussed), and I could feel myself creeping back into a depression. It was not a good time for me, to say the least.

Soon after, I received a message from a friend that said she had someone she wanted me to meet. I wasn’t quite sure about it at first, because she said he was almost 43 years old, but I decided to give him (and myself, really) a chance, and I’m so glad I did because January 27, 2008 was the first day of the rest of my life. I am so lucky to have found such a special person to share my life with, and I know he feels the same way… ’cause he told me so last night. While my life outside of my relationship with D.P. is still very much uneasy, I am much happier, and my family has noticed it. My kids think he’s the bee’s knees. Life looks so much better when I think of D.P. sharing it with me.

I think I’m in a sort of Dreamland. How can I explain my life with D.P. in it otherwise?

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